I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
