i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
