gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
