using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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