He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
