she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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