I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
