I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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