I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
