I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
