totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
