My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize