I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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