Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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