she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
