Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
