theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
