so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
