The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
