is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
