sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
