I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
