think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
