a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
