youre lurking in front of me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
