theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
