she takes plan B like it's going out of style
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
