So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
