haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
