I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
