im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
