I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
