Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
