she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
