he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
