True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
