Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
