I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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