They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
