I can't watch pbs sober anymore
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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