I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
