Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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