Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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