Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
