I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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