there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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