remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
