oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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