i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
