Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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